What a weekend!

This past weekend, I took 22 members of my choir from Eisenhower Middle School to Hummingbird Music Camp, up in the Jemez Mountains of New Mexico.  It was a great weekend, a great chance for my students to bond, and a great chance for me to get some much needed work done with my choir!  It's been a long time since I've been on a retreat like that, much less led one, so I had kind of forgotten the sense of fulfillment that comes with completing a retreat like that, along with the feeling of sheer exhaustion that comes as well!  I am so proud of my students for making it through the 8 hours of rehearsal that we had up there, especially since I pushed them to the breaking point, and even a little beyond!

The people at Hummingbird were very nice, even if Wanda and Elliot Higgins don't have filters anymore, due to their age (Wanda is 91, and Elliot, her son is in his 70's.)  Wanda was asking me if I had a wife while I was sitting with one of the band clinicians and her family, and the EMS Band director and his son.  When I told her "no", her response was "Honey, if you don't have a wife, you don't have a life!" and then proceeded to ask me when I was going to find the right girl.  The band director and I shared a laugh at this remark, because he is one of the few people at the school who knows about my discernment of the Priesthood, and how I'll be leaving at the end of the school year.

My students really enjoyed the hike that we went on Saturday afternoon, especially because they got to see me crawl on my hands and knees through a drainage culvert to get under the highway, because the person leading the hike didn't want anyone to actually cross the highway, and I didn't want to set a bad example for the kids.  I think that was the most intense hike I have ever been on!  In the 1.5-2 miles that we hiked over 2 hours, we climbed roughly 1,500 feet!  It was definitely a good workout, and a great reminder of how out of shape I am... something I definitely should work on in the future.

Coming back on Sunday, a couple of my students was talking about how the school district made the decision to have us go to school on Good Friday to make up one of our snow days.  One of my students mentioned that she "didn't know what Good Friday meant", and even though I wanted so badly to explain it to her, I knew I couldn't, because it would be overstepping my boundaries as a Public School teacher.  But it made me realize again how much I miss leading Church retreats, and being able to talk about my faith, without having to censor myself because "my contract forbids it".  Hopefully when I'm teaching in the Basilian schools, I'll be able to lead retreats that involve plenty of singing, but also time for faith sharing as well!

And the rumors begin...

Well, it's official.  The rumor that I am leaving is now circulating the school.  In the past week, I have had several teachers, and one of my students ask me if I am coming back next year.  Some of the teachers have even asked me "so I hear you're leaving to become a Priest?"  I'm still playing dumb, so to speak, but at this point, I don't know how much longer I can keep that up.  I wanted to wait until the end of the school year, but it's looking more and more like that won't be possible.  I'm going to have to "come clean" sooner or later... I just hope that when I do, I can keep my students motivated until the end of the school year.  Hopefully their drive to do well, coupled with my desire to finish this year strong will be enough to keep them going.

More thoughts about Confession, sin, etc.

So, I've been thinking a lot about human nature, and our inclination to sin, mainly because lately it seems like I am reminded of my own sinfulness on a daily basis.  I constantly am falling, and it isn't until after that I am like "why did I do that?"  It seems like once one sin is committed there is a "cascade effect" that occurs, and before you know it, you feel like you've "fallen out of grace" so to speak.

I'd like to say I have all the answers to how to combat this, but to be honest, I think I'm still figuring it out.  It's like I know what I need to be doing to live a better life of grace, but actually making myself do it is very hard.  It's easy to be complacent, to just let whatever happen: It's hard to work at allowing God's grace into your life, and allowing him to guide you towards the life He wants you to live.

That last statement may seem backwards to some, but the fact of the matter is that Grace is something that has to be worked at.  God's grace is all that we really need in this life, but with all the distractions that are present in this world, it is often very hard to focus on God alone.  There are things on TV, the internet, in books, magazines, and even other people that can lead us away from God.

So how do we remedy this?  I'm starting to realize that sometimes it requires us to remove what is causing us to sin from our lives, thus making a "change for the better."  Sometimes, it means that you need to "lean on God" more than you are already.

Above all, the number one way to keep yourself from sinning is to immediately turn to prayer when you feel a temptation coming on.  Going to confession also helps, because Confession is the Sacrament that can restore us to God's Grace, no matter what we have done.  As long as we approach the sacrament with a sincere heart, and we are truly sorry for what we have done, and we have a firm desire to amend our life, we will be forgiven.

My prayer is that I can learn to be more willing to accept God's mercy and Grace, and stop thinking that I can do everything myself.  Until I can do that, I fear that I am doomed to keep making the same mistakes over and over again.  God, help me to move from complacency to conviction, so that I may grow closer to you.  Amen.

Eye opening experiences

Have you ever been listening to a song, that you've listened to many times before, and had something strike you about that song that never has struck you before?  I had an experience like that tonight, so I just thought I'd share.

I was driving to Las Cruces for the weekend, and I was listening to my iPod while driving.  I was listening to the BarlowGirl album "Love and War", and the song Tears Fall came on.  the following line just jumped out at me

"Oh what have we lost because we chose we’ll never know, And loving You is better than feeling alone, And all our claims to freedom have become these heavy chains, And in the name of rights we keep filling nameless graves.  Let the tears fall down, Let them soften this ground, Let our hearts be found, God forgive us now." 

All the times I had listened to this song, and I had never realized that it was talking about abortion.  As I listened to it again, I realized that the lyrics ring so true, but unfortunately, many will not see it that way.  in the 38 years since Roe V. Wade, 52,000,000 lives have been lost to abortion in the US alone... that number doesn't include the abortions that have occurred in the rest of the world.  And I really began to think "what have we lost?"  What if one of the babies that was aborted was the person who was to find the cure for cancer?  Or the next great musical genius?  What contributions to our society have been lost, because of the "choice" of a woman to have an abortion? It honestly makes me sad to think of these lives that have been discarded, cast aside as though they were nothing, especially since so many people who cannot have children of their own would have loved to be able to raise one of those babies as their own.

I usually am not one to discuss politics, but this is an issue that I am very passionate about.  An unborn life isn't something to be "thrown away", it is something to be treasured.   My prayer is that all people will come to have a greater respect for the dignity of life, from the moment of conception on.

Burning out...

It seems like the past few days, I have been buried under a mountain of junk.  I have so much on my plate right now, with getting ready for festival with my choir, to planning for a weekend retreat with my choirs that may or may not happen because it seems that the place we were going to go has no record of me calling to make a reservation, all while trying time to prepare for my departure in June by cleaning my apartment, getting rid of things that I won't be able to take with me (or just don't need anymore), especially since the week that I was going to take to finish everything, I now have to work because of the cancellations at the beginning of the month. It's enough to make anyone go crazy, and I honestly am starting to wonder how I am managing to keep it all together.  My life, especially at school, feels like one giant lie, because I don't want to tell my students that I am leaving just yet, and I am constantly having to make sure that I don't let on about the fact that I am not coming back next year.  It was especially hard when I did auditions for next year's choir, because there are so many talented students, and they kept saying "next year we should do this" or "I'm looking forward to having you as my choir teacher next year!"

But at the same time, as my departure grows closer each and every day, I find myself wishing more and more that I was just done with the whole school year already, and I was on that plane, getting ready to start the next chapter of my life.  It's honestly been hard for me to find motivation to get out of bed in the morning these past few days.  I honestly think it's because I'm working myself to death trying to make sure that I stay engaged in my teaching through the end of the year, because I don't want to fall into that "I'm not coming back, so why should I care?" mentality.  Maybe I'm just burned out, and I need a break.  Hopefully going to Cruces this weekend will be that break....

Please keep me in your prayers, that I can somehow find the strength to keep going, and finish this year strong.

Thoughts on Valentine's Day

It's always interesting to me to see the number of people who post bitter status updates about "how much their life sucks" because they don't have a Valentine's date, or how they feel so unloved, or whatever else they complain about.  And while my students may think that I am bitter about not having a Valentine, because I'm sure that was their thought when I told them "It's none of your business,"  that couldn't be farther from the truth.

I've never really understood all the fuss surrounding Valentine's day, and the obsession with doing something nice for your husband/wife/significant other/whoever else you care about.  Sure it's nice to have a day to show them how much you care for them, but if you really love that person, does the day really matter?  In all reality, you should show the person that you love and care for them that much every day of the year, not just on February 14th.  Everyone always gives flowers on Valentine's day, because "that's what you do" but how many people give flowers "just because?"  Maybe more people do than I realize, but I know that more often than not, I hear people complaining about how expensive they are.  But again I say, if you really care about someone, cost is no object.

The same is true with our relationship with God.  John 3:16 reminds us that "God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son, so that all who believe in Him might not perish, but may have eternal life."  When God gave His son, he was not worried about the cost, because of His infinite love for us.  So the question then becomes: "If God loves us so much, are we showing Him that we appreciate his love?"  Just like you don't have to wait for February 14th to tell someone you love them, you don't have to wait until Sunday to give God glory and praise.  If we truly are to be called sons and daughters of God, we should strive to ALWAYS live in His love, not just for an hour on Sunday.

With that said, that doesn't mean that you need to be in Church for hours every day, on your knees constantly praying, making all kinds of outward signs of your Faith.  It does mean, however, that you need to allow Christ to live in your heart, and let your actions reflect the love that Christ has for you.  Just as a relationship would fall apart if you only gave attention to your partner 1 day a year, your relationship with God cannot grow if you do not make an effort to allow God into your life in all things, whether it be work, school, free time, or time with friends.  Faith has to be lived, not practiced, just like it takes work to make a relationship or marriage work.

So today, and every day, strive always to show your love for God, and your love for your friends and family members.  If you allow Christ to be at the center of your relationships, then the relationships will grow and flourish.  My prayer is that people would come to realize this truth, because maybe if they did, we wouldn't have the problem with divorce, infidelity, and all the other Marriage troubles we have in this country.  It is not easy to keep a relationship Christ-centered.  But if you're going to work at developing a relationship, doesn't it make sense to have it be rooted in Christ?

"Above the Word of God, put nothing else"

The other day, I had a meeting with my Pastor, who has been serving as my Spiritual Director since I began discerning the Priesthood.  I walked in carrying a bunch of stuff, including my Bible, some papers, and various other items.  I set these down on the table in his office, and immediately my Pastor noticed that I had set the other things that I was carrying down on top of my Bible.  He turned to me and said "A wise Jesuit Priest once told me: 'Above the Word of God, put nothing else.'"  Of course I quickly rearranged everything that I was carrying so that the Bible was on top, because he was indeed speaking in a literal sense.

After the meeting I got to thinking about that statement, and how it is important, not only in a literal sense, but in a Spiritual sense as well.  In today's world, it is so easy to get distracted by all of the things this world has to offer:  TV, movies, video games, online social networking... things that can be great in moderation, but when they are used to excess, they take our focus away from God, who should be the center of our life.

It's not easy to be completely focused on God in a society that seems to have turned it's back on Him.  It seems like everywhere you turn, there is infidelity, greed, deceit, and all these things are glorified and praised by our society, on TV, in the movies, and in magazines.  When surrounded by all of these things, it can draw your focus away from God, but only if you let it.  St. Paul instructs us in his Letter to the Romans "Do not conform yourselves to this age, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, so that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect (Romans 12:2).

But the question remains:  how do we accomplish this?  I know this is something that I am still struggling with, so I'm not sure that I have the complete answer to that question yet.   I do know that it does mean you have to be willing to spend at least some time in prayer to God each and every single day, whether it be a formal prayer, like the Liturgy of the Hours, or attending Mass, or just taking a few minutes to have a conversation with God, and to ask Him for the strength to get through the day in the morning, and then thank him for the day in the evening, and ask for forgiveness for any sins you may have committed that day.  Is it easy? No, especially when you're super busy, and the temptation is to think that it's too hard to "find time" to pray.  but the truth is, that if we are to indeed put God above all else, we should make prayer our first priority, and set aside that time first.  It isn't easy, because I know that so many times I would prefer to sleep a few extra minutes, or go to bed instead of taking the few extra minutes to pray.  But I know that as I go forward with my discernment, having a good prayer life is going to become that much more important, so I know it's something I need to start working on now.  May God give me the strength to keep drawing closer to him, even in the midst of adversity.  Amen.